The best thing about heading down South is catching up with old friends. The best thing about heading South for a bachelorette weekend? Time spent catching up with old friends sans boyfriends & husbands. Everyone is off the market at least for the weekend!
The next best thing about being in the South again? The prices. $3 margarita? Yes, please may I have another? And we did. Multiple times with multiple pitchers. Coupled with our fabulous maracas (yes, must have noisemakers) and yummy Mexican food, we kicked off Bachelorette #1's weekend in fine form.
I was immediately pegged as a Charlotte (as in Sex & the City) by the random guy we met who had been trained in "interrogation." Not sure what this says about my first impression though he thought I was the "honest" one, whatever that means. But other than his trio and the cop we befriended to the point of taking our picture in the street, we were free of males for the night which left us at prime point to torture the bride with intimate tell-all games and many forms of the male appendage. Apparently, appendage is what the girls are calling it these days? Frankly, I've never heard the word used so many times until last night. Guys may have their strip clubs, but rest assured, we ladies have our own methods for exploiting the opposite sex. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
Until this morning, when we turned in the lovely Pleasantville-ish neighborhood, The Ivy, and found ourselves in our talented new friend's home with lines of chairs, men's ties & boas littering the floor, and a pole as the focal point of living room where one would normally put a dining room table.
We chugged some mimosas to create some magic and began our tutorial: strip tease for your lover-101. While the secret moves can't be shared with any old Joe, I can reveal that most of what we learned can be done in a folding chair for any couple's convenience. Begin with the stage call, your time to set the mood. Then, start your figure 8 hip circles. This is your go-to step. Trace the lines of your body up and down and frame your "cookie." Move slow. This is not time for showing how fast you can vibrate booty parts. When in doubt what to do next? Return to your figure 8's and JUST KEEP MOVING.
Things I learned?
-A dance background does not equip you any better for stripping
-Seduction isn't easy and requires practice
-It's sweaty, and not in a good way
-You must have long legs in order to step up & down from chairs without flipping over backwards (I know from multiple experiences)
-Pole dancing should be limited to when you have a pole actually screwed in to the ceiling. Otherwise, said pole will not support your weight, let alone any fancy turns no matter how much you want to try them out
-A sexy poker face is a necessity. If you're laughing like a hyena, it's probably not going to work for any man, no matter how much you nail the moves
-Prepared to be scared/scarred by friends' flexibility, ability to whip an imaginary boy into submission with a tie, and secret moves that should be kept behind closed doors
-Know whether you want to be in a video. You will be asked.
-It's possible that your teacher will also be clairvoyant and/or a tarot card reader. Find out if there are 2 for 1 specials before booking your lesson.
Most of all? I suggest all women have such a lesson with close friends. Not that our group needed further bonding, but this was like adult team-building. And I expect there will be a lot of happy husbands and husbands-to-be as most of the gals were ready to bust a move with someone actually in the chair.
Unfortunately, the husbands were far away so beer and the beach had to do. Don't worry, our skills were not wasted. The other beach-goers got a sneak peek. But most of the rest of the afternoon consisted of typical girl talk. Now most of the girls are taken except for me and my fabulous single friend, A, who I got to catch up with on the beach. It was reassuring to compare dating failures and successes, and I realized how common our dating experiences are despite the range of guys we've submitted ourselves to.
Of course, I have to be somewhat poignant besides reporting on stilettos and our newfound power. The takeaway from the day? Sometimes people and circumstances are just out of your control and you couldn't have done anything to change the outcome. I'm starting to see the sage wisdom in our strip teacher's advice. When in doubt what to do next? (Return to your figure 8's and) JUST KEEP MOVING.
I'm off the market & in the moment!
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