February 28, 2011

Day 122-In case you were wondering...

I got a show! FINALLY. Ok, so it hasn't been that many auditions, but I'm nevertheless greatful to have been cast in a local spring production of 42nd Street. It ain't Broadway, but it's a hop, skip and a tap step in the right direction.

So that is the reason for my long absence lately....I'm mentally tapped out! Frankly, I just don't know how I'm going to keep it all up: work, rehearsals, writing, dance classes, family and friends. Obviously, the blog has gotten stuck on the bottom of the list and for that, I'm SORRY! Strategy for next week is to draft posts on my HOUR LONG ride to rehearsal on the train. The rest of my body aches so I might as well have achy thumbs from the bberry, too!

But really-four months to go on OTMITM, and I'm seriously losing steam here...surprisingly not with the no relationships, personal growth stuff, but the writing. Who would have thought!

Meanwhile-this casual dating thing has certainly been a test. It's so hard to be in the moment and not get swept away into bad habits like overanalyzing and losing perspective. Thank goodness I have this blog in the background of my mind to hold me a little more accountable. And a special thanks to my friends who constantly remind me-wait, isn't that why you have the blog?!?!? Because I'm the first to admit that dating just makes me feel like a crazy person sometimes. And dating without strings attached, while fun and in the moment, has totally come with its freakouts.

What a journey it all is...

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment

February 18, 2011

Day 132-Bad Off the Market Girl

Sorry guys-have been a really bad blogger lately. Finally got motivated today only to fully realize how bad I've been with posting. I thought it had only been a week, but nothing since Valentine's Day? YIKES! No wonder my friends are calling to check in and get updates (they normally get the 411 straight from these postings...).

No excuses other than sometimes life gets in the way. And time flies when you're having fun! I am starting to realize how fast this whole experience is passing me by though. Only four more months until I'm back on the market and frankly, I'm a little scared of having to really put myself out there again. Sure, I'm casually dating as I've mentioned but I haven't thrown myself in per the norm and yet, I'm still getting pre-relationship jitters. Because I know that falling in love takes just that: falling, letting go, having faith. And I'm just not ready for that part where I inevitably also fall on my face. So I'm so glad I can keep the security blanket of my blog to protect my little heart for a few more months. Because even though I'm being more relaxed these days, I still can't seem to wear that sucker anywhere but on my sleeve.

In the interim, I've been discovering a little more of my spiritual faith and self-love these days. It's finally starting to hit me that for all these years, I've been trying to put such unrealistic expectations on the men in my life. Now before you balk that I'm settling for less by changing standards, that is not what I mean. I still believe in my lovely list (Day 291) as a guideline for what I need out of a partnership. But I've realized that in being in relationships, I've also looked for a lot of my own personal fulfillment in other people when perfect love simply doesn't exist in human form. Because humans are....HUMANS. Crazy, unpredictable, selfish, loving, generous, all at the same time, always changing. And I've had my moments, so I know. While I can't be responsible for someone's self worth, why should I expect them to be responsible for filling my needs? Loneliness sometimes feeds such insecurities, but I know I've got to learn to love the ups and downs, too. As Jennifer Aniston so said, "A relationship isn't going to make me survive. It's the cherry on top."

So I'm working on all the stuff to make my life as delicious as possible.

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment

February 14, 2011

Day 136-Happy Valentine's Day

Ever since the ad campaigns and morning shows started plugging V-Day segments weeks ago, I've been thinking about Valentine's Day. Only two of the last 25 holidays stick out in my brain: First Grade and sophomore year of college. You see, in first grade, it was perfectly acceptable to share boyfriends. So I did-with my bestfriend at the time, Elizabeth. Little Will was certainly up to the task and arrived to class on the big day with two gifts in hand: the most beautiful diamond ring and a box of Russell Stovers chocolate. No surprise, I LONGED for that ring, desperately wanting him to choose me to be its wearer, thus symbolizing my rank in our little trio. But, when Will so gentlemanly asked us who wanted which gift, I volunteered to take the chocolate.

My little heart was broken that he'd just LET her have my precious gift and so I continued to boil throughout the day (my passionate Scorpio self developed early) until I finally reached my breaking point and wrote my feelings of hatred to Will in a note which I left for him to find after recess. I, on the other hand, proceeded to find myself in trouble with the teacher when Will promptly ratted me out, and we were forced to hug it out under her approving eye.

I fondly remember it as one of my fondest Valentine's Days yet, now I'm smart enough to know that good chocolate always trumps a plastic fake.

My other favorite moment was when I lived in the dorm sophomore year and as I was living it up single style, I didn't have a big date to get ready for like the other gals on the hall. So my friend M and I treated ourselves to Happy Meals and cozied up in front of a movie while everyone else scurried by in anticipation. I've been lucky enough to have my fair share of legit Valentine's dates, but that was the most satisfying yet. As I sit here, I'm ashamed that I can't remember how other VDays were celebrated, but I'm thinking that's because I probably received flowers (which I am eternally grateful for as they are my favorite) but didn't actually go or do anything extraordinary to celebrate. And I'll be the first to admit that there's no need to celebrate the day (I was totally enundated by the marketing ploys this year) but instead, spread the love year round, but I have a feeling that wasn't the reason I didn't get festive. For so long, I've been that first grader, desperate for attention and eager to please, and probably was feining contentment without requiring any effort on the part of my not-so-eager suitor.

That's all in the past, yet here we are on my 26th Valentine's Day, and I'm feeling surprisingly upbeat. I'm not going to pretend that being single is awesome because today more than most, it can be a little rough watching the flowers go by in Grand Central knowing they aren't for you. But instead of complaining about what I don't have, I'm trying to be grateful for what I do: dark Hershey kisses by the bagful, a care package from my parents, a funny card and new pair of sexy undies (to replace granny panties) from my bf back home, and the realization that I'm slowly growing up, saying goodbye to that little first grader who wanted nothing but a guy's affection and a little ring to prove it.

I'm Off the Market, In the Moment and wishing you an equally satisfying Valentine's Day!

February 1, 2011

Day 150-Coming June 2011: The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags

Ok, ladies-listen up. Here's a title that should be circulating among each circle of friends. I found out about this book from a colleague and can't wait for it to hit the stands. Yes, it's early, but let's go ahead, think happy summer thoughts and keep this in mind for June!

By their readers' demands, the authors of The Little Black Blog of Big Red Flags rifled through thousands of submissions from men and women across the U.S. (and even around the world) for the can't-believe-it-really-happened, most outrageous, most revealing red flag stories ever received in order to create this book. In addition to tales of relationship woe, this hip relationships guide will include witty advice, entertaining lists and even some embarassing personal stories from the authors.

In the meantime, you can get your quota of humor from these gals at their blog: The Little Black Blog of Big Red Flags: A Place for all those warning signs you totally spotted but chose to ignore...

Check it out and get the wheels turning about those red flags you're getting in your own life! Mine include: never had a relationship longer than three months, doesn't believe in marriage, doesn't believe in toilet paper and wants to know how you feel about living in a hut in Africa.

And just so I play it evenly between the genders, here are ethe men's big red flags about US-and all this time, I thought our only flaw was being oh-so perfect :-)

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment!