So amid moving to a new apartment in Little Italy, starting rehearsals for a new show and traveling home for a much-needed hiatus, I was reminded many times over that the year is nearing a close. In many ways, I wonder where the time went. In many more ways, I wonder if I learned anything at all?
Here's what I do know: despite my "off the market" status, it was more difficult than I thought to keep my heart in check. Yes, I stayed out of a relationship, but yes, I fell for someone. HARD. (so at times, yes, I felt like I was cheating on the blog...) And got hurt when I played the casual card which ultimately wasn't do-able for me. Then, I got cynical that relationships and marriage were just too tricky a beast to be tamed. And then fell hard again in hopes that casual was, in fact, just another version of being "in the moment." I still think there is something to that theory, but at the end of the day, we all deserve someone who is willing to take a leap of faith with us. And then the cookie REALLY crumbled this weekend while at a friend's wedding, I watched an old ex, now friend, dance happily with his girlfriend. Instead of what once would have been hurt, I weirdly found a sense of hope-that while it didn't work out for us, one day there'd be someone who was that excited to be with me. Life is ironic.
So am I older and wiser? Well, now I realize the value of timing as well as the importance of deeds following words. In many ways, I feel a little more foolish, but I'm certainly not sorry for following my heart, even if it ultimately ended with my not getting what I hoped would be. I did my best to be in the moment though at times, it was almost painful to fight the urge to think about the future. I definitely wished I had more even more time to write-thankfully, you get a few more months of me ON the market!
And when asked whether I'm looking forward to being back on the relationship scene? Well, I'm really not sure. It doesn't seem life will be much different though I won't be able to use the blog as an excuse for holding back. Because while I certainly feel more grounded than I did a year ago, better able to both prioritize my dreams and bounce back from disappointment, I found that doesn't make me infallible to hurt. In fact, what I definitely discovered is that while being single does have its drawbacks, it is a MUCH easier course to fly solo, worry about your own needs and wants and not put your heart on the line. Being open to relationships? Now that's scary stuff.
And totally worth it.
I definitely thought that starting this mission would result in a year of being crazy single and carefree or in the words of my Day 365 self, "the focus of the year is to get out of my head and away from my heart long enough to secure the foundation for that fun-loving, confident, doesn’t have a care in the world girl that I lose every time I get what I think I’m looking for"...
Fun-loving? Check. Confident? Working on it...Doesn't have a care in the world? Well, that was just unrealistic! I'm a caring person. I think I was going for feeling light, joyful-and there have been some blissful moments indeed like when I landed my first NYC show, got stuck in a snowstorm with someone I cared about, was supported by friends with cards of encouragement, and welcomed the New Year abroad, to name a few. But life is made of ups and downs, and sometimes is so loopy you don't know which way is up anymore. Thankfully, I can say with confidence that I'm growing stronger. And learning. I haven't lost myself as I have with past disappointments, despite my tendency to analyze a bit too often or try too hard when I should just let go. A year definitely doesn't cure all, but I'm learning to give myself, and others, a little more slack, and in the meantime, keep moving forward.
I'm Off the Market and In the Moment! At least for one more day.
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