July 13, 2010

Day 353-The Mean Reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
-Breakfast at Tiffany's-

After a two + month vacation from dance, I had every intention of going to class yesterday (while an extra 5 lbs. doesn't matter if you're in the moment, it does make a difference to your knees as you grand jete across the floor). Maybe if I had gone, I'd be equipped with more endorphins and wouldn't have woken up on the wrong side of the bed AGAIN this morning. Now I know no one wants to hear my daily woes but again, this blog is for my benefit and I've found through this experience that getting everything down on paper works wonders whereas a chocolate chip cookie (or two or three) only makes you feel fatter and bluer. I tried cookie therapy today so I know.

Even with the blog in place and an actual goal for the year (ie. to embrace the moment and have fun in my fabulously independent status), a girl is still allowed to waver a bit. The usual culprits are afoot, probing questions like "what am I doing with my life?" amid other feelings of loneliness and insecurity. And while I recognize that not knowing is half the fun, little indications that I'm on the right track would be appreciated today. Ultimately, I have a lot to be grateful for: I'm healthy as is my family, I have wonderful friends, a job, and a roof over my head. But like Holly Golightly, I've caught the Mean Reds, and there's just no reason for my sour mood.

Ok, maybe there is a bit of a reason. Instead of going to dance yesterday, I sat and enjoyed the multiple pleasures of (multiple) carbs while watching the Bachelorette. Now I know I said no chick flicks or chick lit, but hey, a girl has gotta watch something, and we only have 10 channels to anyway. I've really gotten into this season while in the past, I watched the show for the money pools or because that's what every other girl on my dorm floor was doing. And I know I'm into it because despite Chris L's preciousness (contemplating a move to Cape Cod), deep down I empathize with the Frank & Ali drama. There it is-my failed relationship playing out on the 40" in front of me. Quite therapeutic in some ways actually, to see two other people who obviously care for each other and experience a great connection to be completely...well F-ing it up.

Then there was the whole soul mate conversation last night-E and I were practically near tears as we watched Chris' dad talk about the way he felt for his recently departed wife. Despite how you feel about reality tv, if you weren't moved by watching the love on his face, then you probably shouldn't be reading this blog in the first place.

So of course, my inner romantic was stirred up in all sorts of ways when the show ended. Am I really doing the right thing my closing myself off to the possibility of love for a whole year and possibly missing my soulmate? Am I even strong enough to do this? And what about those nagging feelings of loss that I just can't rid myself of-are those signs that I should fight for what I want or just remnants of my not getting what I want? I've written (almost) every day yet I have more than 300 days left, and I still feel like I'm at square one! How is this helping!?!?

There's a learning curve for sure, especially when your head forges ahead leaving your heart flailing behind. And I've never been good at being patient. I always want to achieve more, learn more, get better-faster. So learning curves are definitely not my style. Those suckers give me the Mean Reds every time.

But I was reminded today that this is a journey, a marathon and not a sprint. And according to E, no one said it would be easy. Her other words that hit the mark: I have a lot to let go of before I can really allow myself to grow.

But....(insert whiney voice) isn't it supposed to be fun all the time!?!?! Moving on with pitchers of mojitos and forgetting the past with new outfits?

I'm off the market (true) and in the moment (sort of)!

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