July 18, 2010

Day 348-Some Habits Need to Die

Old boyfriends have always haunted my dreams. They pop in from time to time along with the alligator and shark-infested pools I have to rescue my younger brothers from. Pscyhoanalysis, anyone?

Anyway, I recognize that I'm not unique in having such things pop up when I'm trying to peacefully rest. So you should understand how disorienting it is to wake up with that person you were this close to forgetting imprinted on your thoughts in a most unwelcome fashion. It doesn't even matter which ex-they all make a dreaded appearance every now and then. After recreating the dumping during their nocturnal trip, they leave me feeling insecure, lonely, and wondering yet again what went wrong.

So when I was jolted awake this morning, my "in the moment" mind needed a bit of rescuing. And when it's too early to call a friend, I often find some comfort from Single-ish, a Glamour blog written by Erin Meaney. This morning required a huge dose.

I'm sure I deserve a little eye-rolling from seeking solace from a blog. But it's not drugs, crazy amounts of alcohol or promiscuity, I'm not bugging friends and family with the same story, and it works so whatever. On Single-ish, I find a wealth of stories from Erin and her dating encounters, questions, and dilemmas and of course, there's the occasional insight from John, the token male blogger. It gives me a lot to think about as I watch her get in and out of relationships, experience her own heartbreak, recover in style. She's a little older than me and a whole lot wiser so her words create a sense of reassurance infused with a healthy dose of reality. My favorite Erin-ism? You'll never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

As I was trolling the site, I found some good pointers for re-charging when you're off the market (perfect!), some articles on intimacy issues, bad timing in relationships, and other heartbroken people commenting on their losses in love. Maybe it's the community, the feeling that you're not alone, that makes me feel better. It certainly doesn't hurt reading that a significant other's issues have nothing to do with you or the failed relationship (scratch that negativity) rather, the time you spent together.

Then I realized that in my pre-caffeine haze, I had spent TWO HOURS of my precious life on this site analyzing again. What had started as a little indulgence turned into a big binge. On the one hand, at least I wasn't in the "What Men Want" section of the mag's site. On the other, I think I would have been happier using my binge points for the Domino's pizza I wanted last night.

I'm a little angry with myself that I spent my morning in the past instead of finishing my book or going to yoga. This is not "off the market" behavior! And still angrier that I can't seem to summon some of that fire to send towards some of those dream-invaders instead of being so hard on myself. Old habits are hard to control and even harder to get rid of.

I'm off the market & in the moment

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