April 26, 2012

Gettin' My GrOoVe On

As I was walking home through Chinatown the other day, I was waiting for the light to turn at Mott and Grand when a guy approached me and "meowed" at me right in the face. MEOW as in kitty-style. Well, at first I had the typical New Yorker reaction of pissed off/shocked/don't make me hit you attitude...but then I quickly laughed and decided that attracting the attention of man/cat hybrids is just another sign from the universe that this gal has got her groove back. 

You see, if you've been following this blog at all, or even scan some of the OTMITM headlines from this past winter, you can tell that I've been working and re-working, polishing and perfecting my A-game in several avenues of my life. But despite my best efforts, I was seeing nada in terms of positive results or feedback. That was pretty much the gist of January-March when I was trying to get my feet back on the ground amid leaving my full-time job as a publicist and venturing into the unknown world of unemployed actor. I know that faith without works is dead as is the reverse of that equation, but it's often hard to push forward when nothing is happening or worse, you feel like you're constantly struggling. There were a lot of low's going on despite my efforts of just thinking positively. Even more difficult?  Trying to "let go" which to me, is the most counterproductive feeling imaginable...

Which brings me to my alumnae group's annual St. Jude's fundraiser. Most importantly, the committee hosted an amazing evening at the Bowery Hotel for this wonderful cause and raised more than $28,000! Yet, this event also played a key role in  my reaching "meow" status. I'm not proud, but as I was setting up that night, I was trying to figure out a way to get out of my role of selling raffle tickets....now I love St. Jude's and my organization but selling anything is pretty much torture to me. Anytime I have to sell tickets, I usually buy them myself and hope I win with my super odds. But as people started walking in, I left thoughts of hanging out with my group of friends at the door, grabbed a Poma cocktail (amazing gin concoction!) and resigned myself to what would surely be the painful hour of my shift. 

SURPRISE! Selling raffle tickets is a great opening line and an easy excuse to introduce yourself (with batted lashes, of course) to the six guys hanging out near the bar. Not only was selling tickets successful, but I met a ton of new people that night and FLIRTED MY ASS OFF, all the while being able to mysteriously excuse myself to the next group of new faces. Granted, I was loving me some Poma cocktails all the while, but after being in serious work/winter hibernation mode, this high was just what I needed. 

Now I'm not going to reveal the who/what/where's of the evening, but I'm 99% sure I was the first to hit the dance floor after my third-ish cocktail; got down with multiple partners I had met during my raffle foray which officially makes me a dancing slut; asked one guy out; have been on dates with three of the party-goers since. No lie-if one texts, another texts within an hour. 

And that's how I got my groove back. 

Since that night, I have been juggling auditions, seeing friends, workouts AND legit dates. As in: he asks, I go to dinner/farmer's market/Brooklyn Bridge, he pays and I go home solo evenings. It has been so refreshing to just be carefree and have fun enjoying someone's company without being overly invested in the outcome from day 1. If they never make contact again, I don't even care! Not because they aren't great people, but I just can't be worried with it. Now, other things in my life are starting to follow. My auditioning is getting stronger, and I'm not a complete head case before I dance as I try to remember the combo. I'm letting my thoughts go enough to trust my body to do the work. Every call is just another opportunity to dance again. It's liberating.

Now I'm sharing this not to brag or imply I'm suddenly special and different than I was a month before. I can count on one hand how many legit dates I've been on before this month where I wasn't already in a relationship of sorts. My lovely friends are very much coaching and rallying me on the sidelines as old habits of judging, controlling or smitten feelings try to cloud what should be casual at this point. I still worry about paying off my credit card and making enough money to keep my rent fund in tact (though I'm learning the universe provides for that, too, if you let it!). And while auditioning is getting more comfortable, I still haven't landed a job. YET.

My point is that these events were put into motion because I made it my mission when I picked up those raffle tickets to have fun, damnit-despite insecurities. Sporting a ponytail because my hair was being uncooperative, feeling a little too round in my choice of dress, wanting to attract a new guy or frankly, just being a little hungry were all very present en route to the event. But rather than tell myself to let go, I made the choice to just have fun and I just naturally let it ALL go. That's where I found my groove, and surprisingly, that carefree girl who loves to dance to Whitney Houston by herself and doesn't care who is or isn't watching. My real self.

It's a lesson learned for sure, and as the night passes, it can be easy to fall back into that superficial self once more. The girl who wants all the answers now and whose insecurities and ego try to take the fun out of daily life. Which is why it's important to look out for those moments of grooviness wherever you find them-in a night out with friends, a blind date, pancakes or a great cup of tea. Even a "meow" to the face on Mott Street.

I'm On the Market & In the Moment