July 25, 2010

Day 341-Bubbles and Troubles

This blog has opened a Pandora's box of self-revelations...

My body is hating me. The weekend has been a grueling kickback to exercise and healthy eating, but it's forced me to get back to the dance studio, which as much as I fight it sometimes is still my center. Yogi speak-my zen place. An opportunity to leave the past and future and be in the present. Once I start a warmup or barre or the music simply begins, I'm transported. It's no wonder exercise is so good for you-if you're focused about the correct step, posture, or miles per minute, your brain has little room for much else.

Class was great, and I loved the teacher who I'd never studied with before. Yet, this was theatre and it's all about PERFORMANCE, PERFORMANCE, PERFORMANCE. Throw me up on a stage, and it's no problem. But forced to stare at myself in a mirror, and I can barely crack a smile. I'm pretty cute, even if drenched in sweat (ok, maybe that's a stretch...). So what's the deal? It's like I have this thing blocking me, my own version of the Great Wall of China which I've been working on for 20+ years, and she refuses to go down easily.

I want to be carefree, goofy, uninhibited and without a regard for others' opinion of me. That's the real me when you sneak a peak behind the wall. I know that girl is ready to bust out. Why is she hiding? Normally, once I get more into class or get to know a person better (note, this is the same wall that makes me oh so chilly with the opposite sex), I relax and let down my guard. But I was out of my comfort zone and uber-frustrated.

I thought I'd ease my feelings with a little R&R post-class. I did something I never make time for anymore. I pulled out all the stops (aka, lit a candle) and prepared for a luxurious hour of relief and relaxation at the budget-friendly, home-grown version of a spa: a bath.

When I was little, this was a regular routine. Frankly, the idea of having to stand up in the shower with aches and pains was unbearable. A bath was simply the lazy girl's out. I'd be practically a zombie in my exhaustion and would lay there for almost an hour. Sometimes thinking, sometimes not.

Apparently, I'm out of practice. I had nothing to do! I even tried meditation. Of course, I have no idea how one meditates, but it couldn't be that hard. Clear your mind. Breathe in and out. Piece of cake.

Think again. I could hardly spend five minutes sitting there. Calming this mind is no easy task. My forehead was scrunched from the stress of trying to relax, ironically enough. I forced myself to "enjoy" the experience for however long the water took to drain.

Who knew a bath could be so revealing? Other than the obvious, of course. No wonder I can't break through the wall. I can hardly be comfortable with being quiet for a few minutes with just my own thoughts without over-analyzing and critiquing myself.

Sure, it's easy to say that I should just care less. But how do I really live that c'est la vie attitude that I'm always talking about? That's my true self. It's time to bring her out for more than guest appearances.

How to do it? That's another trouble. I'm stumped.

I'm off the market & in the moment.

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