August 9, 2010

Day 327-The Foundation for a Good We

I had the perfect dinner last night to celebrate one of my closest friend's upcoming move to London. It's her last week in New York City so while we were upbeat with champagne and French fare from Brasserie Julien (fyi-BYOWine on Sundays & Mondays-no corkage fee!), I was fighting the blues which I know will bombard me as soon as she gets on that plane. However, no need to be prematurely sad. Her farewell post does not need to go up until this weekend.

Anyway, I was definitely not the sole single girl at the table, but most of the diners were indeed married or soon-t0-be. I couldn't help but feel a little left out, lonely, out of place? No, those aren't the right adjectives but melancholy isn't right either. I'm not sure what it was other than a feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach. Quite surprising since there's hardly any extra room in said stomach after eating my way through SC...

Living sans relationships aside, I do know that at this moment, I'm not ready for marriage. While I'm sure that could change, once I actually meet that person who I want to spend my life with AND who wants to spend their life with me (without my having to convince him, use force, or totally give up my sense of self) but who knows. I do know I miss the fun times had in being a two-some, the comfort attained after opening yourself up to another person, the companionship. I would love to have my own bachelorette, pick china, be showered with gifts, and Lord knows, go on a all-inclusive honeymoon somewhere tropical. find a fun apartment (without mice) to decorate, start a family after traveling the world, and retire somewhere by the beach.

Sounds lovely. But really, a lot of what I've just listed is quite superficial which it totally scary. I guess the relationship is hidden somewhere in between maybe? The idea of building your life together amid all these things?

I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about...SO not ready to be married.

Maybe it's just because I'm losing my partner in crime to the Brits that I am doing all this thinking about my imaginary companion (whose picture I'm trying to keep fuzzy as opposed to filling with that guy gone by). But sitting around these relationship-happy people, I wonder what I'm doing this year by standing on the sidelines. I was way jealous of the dates another friend was going on. The anticipation. The excitement. The possibility. Am I screwing myself over by getting out of the game?

While prowling Facebook, I spotted a great reminder on Andrea Syrtash's fan page. Andrea is a life coach, relationship expert and author of HE'S JUST NOT YOUR TYPE (and that's a good thing). She knows her stuff:

"A good WE starts with a good ME. It's hard to be passionate in a relationship if you're not passionate in your own life."

Ok, I hear ya Andrea.

In truth, I just don't think I'd be good for a relationship right now. I'm still harboring insecurities and some hurt that I just haven't gotten over yet. Thankfully, I can put these feelings aside much better these days. So while time heals the rest, I should probably leave another human out of my equation. Be patient and be passionate in my own life while I'm in a yearlong timeout. I am finally envisioning an idea for my novel...

And, hopefully I'm building a foundation for my own good WE in the process.

I'm off the market & in the moment

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