August 15, 2010

Day 321-Growing Pains

I had every intention of writing this morning's post on Bachelorette #2's big night: drag queens, lap dances, Valentino shoes, and the thing all girls hate. Ok, I will reveal just that one. Don't ask me how it came up, though it was probably from watching drag queens give lap dances, but the two K's and two A's and I were all in agreement that the worst thing a guy can do is to push, direct and/or suggest in any fashion a girl's head South of his border. Guys, just don't try or reap the consequences that will flood towards you.

Anyway, I woke up tired and decided to hold off on an 8am post and instead catch up on EAT, PRAY, LOVE since I left Elizabeth Gilbert in India for the past few nights. I have been trying to remember where I was, my age, my frame of mind when I first read the book to no avail. I remember vividly loving the pleasures of Italy and relishing in the descriptions of pizza and pasta. And I remember being transported to the realms of Indonesia and all the magic and love EG found in its surroundings. India, I remember being incredibly long, slow-going in plot, and even boring at times. After 36 chapters, I was ready to escape the walls of the ashram. Meditation was not my thing. But this time around, I am committed to paying close attention.

So reading about EG's struggle with quieting her mind, not unlike my own, I decided to actually try it for a change. First, I prayed. Please let me find love. Please let me heal. Please send him back but please do your will (almost didn't include that but it slipped in my thoughts so for sake of honesty...). Please give me peace. Please make me open and willing. Please, please, please. My prayers mimicked my struggle with heart vs. head, torn by contraditions of hopes, wants, and submission.

Having felt that I was emptied out, I then tried my first real effort at meditating. My mind roams like mad when I'm trying to be still. I make up stories, choreograph, re-live memories and plan/hope for the future. Needless to say, it takes me forever to fall asleep sometimes. So I decided to give myself a little focus, a mantra of FAITH, LOVE, PATIENCE, all simple words that are powerful in their meaning but difficult for me to grasp. I began repetitions, breathing in & out. FAITH, breath it, LOVE, breath out, PATIENCE. FAITH, be quiet!, LOVE, just repeat the words, you're ok. PATIENCE, please please please give me patience. FAITH, ooh I've been sitting here for awhile. LOVE, maybe I should get a kitchen timer so I'll do ten minutes daily. PATIENCE, a timer would probably click too much and not be relaxing or conducive to quiet. FAITH.

Ok, so it takes practice. But I was proud of my newbie efforts and have to say, felt at ease, attune to myself, and filled with a little more faith than I started the day with. Of course, little did I know that the next chapter of that damn book was about to put me on my ass...

I remember the first time I cried when reading a book. WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS deeply touched me as I lived Little Ann's heartbreak when Big Dan died. I lost it, seriously the floodgates opened, when the fern grew between them. And while I'm sure a book has touched me since, that is the memory that is strongest for me until today, when I was reduced to tears again though in a totally different and more profound way.

Initially, I thought the only way to convey my enlightenment was to re-post the excerpt myself. But, I'm not sure that I want to risk charges for copyright infrigement, and even though I got past that and started typing, I now decided to hold down the delete key. Above all, I try to be honest on the blog, but honestly, this passage hit me so hard, I'm still digesting it. Let's just say chapter 48 starts with EG being confronted by a friend after having spent the night on the bathroom floor breaking down. I had my own little breakdown after the conclusion of the chapter. I doubt that satisfies your curiosity so if needed, go grab your own copy of the book and read for more info. Lots of talk on letting go of control and the purpose of different types of love (including soul mates though not what you think). Crazy ironic since my step-mother shared a quote on such things with me right before reading this. But EG basically summarizes EVERYTHING I'm struggling with right now. How terrifying is it to see things in black & white which you know are true but you could hardly admit to yourself?

If I hadn't tried to still my mind, would I have been willing to listen? I missed a lot the first time I read the book because I wasn't at a stage where I needed all this info. Now I'm reduced to tears in information overload. It's part inspiring, part painful. But most of the time, growing is.

And now, I'm very, very tired.

I'm off the market & in the moment.

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