August 18, 2010

Day 318-Chilling Out or Freaking Out?

After flying solo at lunch yesterday, I have two takeaways. 1-It’s not that difficult to eat alone as long as you have sufficient people watching, which Madison Avenue Deli indeed has and 2-There are a lot of midday drinkers in this city. No judgment, just an honest observation. Though yesterday I was more than tempted to follow the crowd and grab a Bud Light. Or two or three…

Because this week has been weirdly rough. No idea why, especially because the weekend was so much fun, but I have been exhausted, unable to do more than curl up under the covers and read after stumbling through the work day. You see, I’m in a bit of a rut. Not that everything isn’t running along smoothly (ok, so maybe it’s not technically a rut), but I’m someone who thrives on the next exciting thing around the corner. Now I said so myself in yesterday’s post on Hot Guy Upstairs that you never know when/what/who that will be, so obviously I get the point of letting some things unfold. But I’m still the little girl who used to wake up EVERY morning asking, “What are we going to do today?” except now I’m the twenty-something who poses the same question to patient friends and the not-so-patient and therefore, occasional boyfriend. So when an over-planner, somewhat control freak decides to take a chill pill and not fill the week with classes, clubs and dates she was about to fish for on, aftermath is inevitable.

And the unfortunate aftermath is that without external stimulation, I am stuck in my own head. This isn’t unusual as a lot of people get more reflective when they’re on vacation, in nature, or anytime life calms down. But this is New York City, and I’m an ambitious gal in a million in one ways, and I want it all right now, says my Ego. So when MY life calms down, it ain’t pretty. I’ve been in over-analyzing mode for four days. Coming to grips with yourself is hard. No wonder I’m tired. The bulk of what I’ve realized consists of the following:

I am indeed a control freak. So much so that my freakiness is probably the biggest reason I have trouble letting go of old relationships and the past, in general. I’ve been incredibly privileged that I’ve had a lot of good things go my way so don’t accept it well when they just don’t.

There, I said it. It’s not a great feeling realizing you’re a control freak with all the bad connotations that go with it, not to mention my natural inclination is to force my habits to change overnight. Which is what I've been fighting with for days. And people wonder why I need a blog about living in the moment….

So before the need to hide under the covers for another night takes over, I’m going to let myself off the hook for a bit. Being a control freak may make things difficult at times, but it also makes me an incredibly loving, passionate and loyal individual who is quick to trust as well as forgive. And that’s pretty great.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I’m off the market & in the moment!

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