February 18, 2011

Day 132-Bad Off the Market Girl

Sorry guys-have been a really bad blogger lately. Finally got motivated today only to fully realize how bad I've been with posting. I thought it had only been a week, but nothing since Valentine's Day? YIKES! No wonder my friends are calling to check in and get updates (they normally get the 411 straight from these postings...).

No excuses other than sometimes life gets in the way. And time flies when you're having fun! I am starting to realize how fast this whole experience is passing me by though. Only four more months until I'm back on the market and frankly, I'm a little scared of having to really put myself out there again. Sure, I'm casually dating as I've mentioned but I haven't thrown myself in per the norm and yet, I'm still getting pre-relationship jitters. Because I know that falling in love takes just that: falling, letting go, having faith. And I'm just not ready for that part where I inevitably also fall on my face. So I'm so glad I can keep the security blanket of my blog to protect my little heart for a few more months. Because even though I'm being more relaxed these days, I still can't seem to wear that sucker anywhere but on my sleeve.

In the interim, I've been discovering a little more of my spiritual faith and self-love these days. It's finally starting to hit me that for all these years, I've been trying to put such unrealistic expectations on the men in my life. Now before you balk that I'm settling for less by changing standards, that is not what I mean. I still believe in my lovely list (Day 291) as a guideline for what I need out of a partnership. But I've realized that in being in relationships, I've also looked for a lot of my own personal fulfillment in other people when perfect love simply doesn't exist in human form. Because humans are....HUMANS. Crazy, unpredictable, selfish, loving, generous, all at the same time, always changing. And I've had my moments, so I know. While I can't be responsible for someone's self worth, why should I expect them to be responsible for filling my needs? Loneliness sometimes feeds such insecurities, but I know I've got to learn to love the ups and downs, too. As Jennifer Aniston so said, "A relationship isn't going to make me survive. It's the cherry on top."

So I'm working on all the stuff to make my life as delicious as possible.

I'm Off the Market & In the Moment

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