It's been three months since our little encounter on the corner of Broome and Mott, and I more or less had settled in with the rejection and pain I felt from that chapter in my life. But this text was more or less a test from him and the universe to see if I'd green light these feelings back into my life again.
I deleted.
For me, this was a really big deal. This was coming from a person who I had really wanted to be a part of my life and my future, despite the hurts that we eventually caused. And yet, I knew in my gut that a text was no longer enough to get my attention or rather, was a lame, lazy outreach which totally LACKED intention. I had no idea what he wanted or for that matter, what I wanted (though I now know what I deserve). I've always been a firm believer that if you don't know what to do or say, stick with nada. But boy, did I lose some zzz's over that little test from the universe.
I say "from the universe" knowing that some people will say this was a test from "him" (ie. was I willing to let my standards and self-respect slide for another round?). But I really asked-no, prayed-for answers as I struggled between wanting 1-him to make the grand gesture that this time would be different and 2-at peace with my decision not to respond. And if I was going to go the "peace" route, I figured I needed to drum up all the reasons that I was angry with him, all the past rights & their subsequent wrongs and those memories, both wonderful and debilitating, that I had suppressed the past few months.
As I write this, I realize how strange it sounded...I thought opening Pandora's box would bring me peace??? C'MON!
While I was wrestling with these emotions, I meanwhile met a friend of a friend who seems to be a nice guy, is an up-and-coming director and was interested in learning more about me. Score, right?!? Well, I have been freaked. Here is someone available who wants to go out on a date and thinks I'm pretty great and I'm agonizing over the man who done me wrong-it was an all too familiar dillemma from my past. This definitely wasn't my first trip to the crossroads.
But as they say, when you're ready, the teacher comes. The very day I receive this text which was the same night I met this director (in my pjs and old I LOVE NEW YORK t-shirt, no less!), I finally opened up my advance copy of Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and began reading. I had been looking forward to this for awhile, someone knowing that Bernstein had it going on yet, I simply hadn't had time to be quiet.
Now I don't want to ruin the book for you, but this is one that I really, REALLY cannot recommend enough for anyone struggling with unfulfillment, difficult relationships, dreams or just simply looking for mental peace. What you'll find between the pages is Bernstein's story, and what I found was a person whose journey seemed linked with my own tale (she even had a chapter on HER Mr. Big...), thus someone I could model after. Amid tools for meditation and releasing past hurts, Bernstein promotes forgiveness and love above all. I'm big on trading and borrowing books, but this is one I plan to buy for my shelf to read and re-read (I got an early e-reader edition!). Trust me, Bernstein's plan is way better than carrying around negativity-my tote bag is enough baggage for me!
New Yorkers, buy your copy at Strand (and support local indie bookstores!) for just $13. Everyone else, check out the amazing praise from Elle Magazine and the New York Times on Spirit Junkie's Amazon page.
I'm On the Market & In the Moment!
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