January 31, 2011

Day 151-Don't Read this Blog

Ok, so if you like to read about only the positive, fun-loving, witty relationship stuff, I'm warning you-don't read this blog. Because I'm taking today's post as my own and filling it with all of the negativity I can't seem to shake.

I know you have to look for the joy in every moment, but I'm feeling so rundown, exhausted, depleted that I'm too tired to look. I would rather take this five minutes of writing to hopefully exorcise these feelings of frustration out of my system so I can try to move forward. Because the below crap, none of which is that important or life-altering, is just bringing me down.

Frustration 1-I didn't get the role I wanted. You may know I've been auditioning every chance I get, and the road to this profession is much harder than I ever thought it'd be. BUT, I finally got a callback for a non-singing, dancer's role as Louise in Carousel in a local production here in the city. And, of course, I started counting my chickens before they hatched thinking that since I was one of the strongest dancers, I HAD this. Think again-I read well at the callback, which for those of you who don't know the lingo means that I went through lines with the other character in the scene. But totally bombed my song. I haven't cracked that bad since the 5th grade talent show when two friends decided that our once trio should be my solo and I was forced to carry the melody (and have been haunted by the video ever since).

On the one hand, a callback is progress. On the other, I'm dreadfully disappointed, and I'm feeling lots of self-doubt about whether I can really do this. I'm trying to "fake it til I make it" and get a thick skin but I am ready for an IN already... I'm not a patient person, and it's incredibly hard to keep investing time, money, and energy into your goals when you're not able to see the fruits of your labor.

So that's that....on to frustration 2 which is that not only am I behind on blogging itself, but I feel like I'm losing all that "in the moment-ness" I've worked so hard to achieve. I've said before that life is a process, but I'm starting to spiral down and repeat old behaviors with this guy in this casual "whatever"...not good. I've GOT to get my head back in the game of writing more often and prioritizing my own happiness independent of whether the phone rings. Because when the time comes when I'm ready to jump in a relationship again, I don't want to carry the analyzing and insecurity with me. I want to be open and spontaneous and positive and trusting. And no matter who the guy is, my perspective is the only thing I can control but I'm having a hard time doing just that.

Frustration 3-I'm simply frustrated with myself, both with the fact that I'm not bringing my best to the table with work, auditions, my relationships as well as I'm not giving myself a break when I need it. I put so much pressure on myself to go, go, go and work, achieve, work, achieve that I can't bare the thought of a missed opportunity. No wonder I'm not mentally able to handle the rigors of an audition or stay upbeat in a relationship. I can't even allow myself to chill out and rest so I physically and mentally crash and then proceed to beat myself up when I'm not motivated to go to a dance call, learn a monologue or frustration 4, pick my clothes up off the floor (don't even get me started on the contents of my room...).

I need to let all of this go, but next to being in the moment, letting go is one of the things I most struggle with. So I appreciate the opportunity to vent. Though hopefully, you heeded my warning and didn't read at all.


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